Why one can't apologise for a mystery something

I know I have heard it plenty of times: “Whatever I’ve done, I’m sorry!” It typically seems to be said when one person is annoyed with another, but won’t disclose the reason why they are annoyed. But does it actually make any sense to be sorry for something when one does not know what one is being sorry for? I suggest that it does not. Here I’ll argue two claims:

1. It’s not possible to be sorry for a mystery something
2. It’s undesirable to say one is sorry for a mystery something

Here I’m using the term ‘mystery something’ to refer to whatever act, omission, speech (etc) which a person is claiming to be sorry for. Let us assume that the hearer of the ‘apology’ (if it can be called that) is aware of what the mystery something is. Let us consider this example:

Yesterday, S implied that his wife, T, had put on weight: when T couldn’t fit into her jeans, S said “I’m sure those jeans used to be loose on you.” This annoyed T. Today, it is evident that T is annoyed with S, but she will not tell him why. So S says the words: “Whatever I’ve done, I’m sorry!”

In this case, the ‘mystery something’ is that S implied his wife had put on weight: it is a mystery to S, but not to his wife, T. Now I ‘ll consider why it’s not possible for S to be sorry when he doesn’t know what he is sorry for.

1. It is not possible to be sorry for a mystery something

First, let us set aside the way in which people these days use “I’m sorry” to offer condolences, such as “I’m sorry to hear that your mum’s died.” This is not a case of one being repentant: “I’m sorry your mum has died” is quite different from “I’m sorry that I killed your mum.” The former is a statement of condolences or sympathy, while the latter is an apology: I focus on the ‘apology’ use of ‘sorry’, where the speaker is or claims to be remorseful, repentant and regretful.

Being sorry seems to involve a feeling of guilt, and a recognition that one has done something wrong. But when one is sorry for a mystery something, one does not know what one has done wrong, and it does not seem possible to feel guilty about a mystery something. Being sorry also carries with it an implication that one will not do the said act again (or at least try not to). When one says “I’m sorry for scratching your car” or “I’m sorry for being late” one is implicitly stating that one will try not to do these things again. Whether or not one upholds such an implicit promise is beside the point, but what we can say is that when one is sorry, one is suggesting that:

a)    One is repentant

b)    One will try not to do the act again in future

In the case of being sorry for a mystery something, (b) certainly cannot be possible, and I suggest that (a) is also exceptionally difficult, if not impossible. The reason is that, suppose that after one has repeatedly said: “Whatever I’ve done, I’m sorry,” one learns what the mystery something was. Suppose that at some later date, S asks T what was the matter with her on that particular date, and she tells him that she was annoyed that he implied she’d put on weight. Now suppose that S, being insensitive, then says: “Oh… right… that. Yeah, I’m not sorry I said that – because it’s true; you have put on weight.” In such a case, it is clear that S was never sorry for saying what he originally said (that her jeans used to be loose). I would argue that S’s ‘apology’ for the mystery something was never a genuine apology, because at no point was he sorry for what he said about his wife’s weight. Further, whenever someone apologises for a mystery something, there is always the possibility that if or when one discovers one’s ‘transgression’, one will respond much as S did – that one is not sorry at all. So if whenever someone says sorry for a mystery something, there is always the chance that one is not in fact sorry for what one is apologising for, and because it is not possible to be both sorry and not sorry about the same event, we should conclude that any apology for a mystery something is not a genuine apology; one may not in fact be sorry. Thus, one cannot be sorry for a mystery something.

2. It’s undesirable to say one is sorry for a mystery something

This claim follows neatly from the first claim: it is undesirable for one to say he is sorry for something when he knows not what he is supposed to be sorry for. This is because it may turn out that the thing someone is seemingly apologising for is dear to him. Suppose that A finds it really irritating that B is a devout Catholic, and shows this annoyance to the extent that B, in exasperation, says “Whatever I’ve done, I’m sorry.” It should be clear that had B known what he was apologising for (viz. being a Catholic), he would not have apologised for it, and in apologising for a mystery something, he has actually apologised for a thing which is fundamentally important to him. I suggest that whenever one apologises for a mystery something, one might in fact be apologising for something he would staunchly defend if he only knew what the mystery something was. For this reason, it is undesirable to say one is sorry for a mystery event.

HOWEVER...
In real life when your other half is giving you the silent treatment, philosophical reasoning might not do you any favours. The above argument may not be sound relationship advice. View my Disclaimer if in doubt.